PEACE POLICE FUCK OFF
CAT ATTACK SCARES OFF WINDOW SMASHER
A cat attack probably prevented more damage being done to the Prime Minister’s electoral office in Auckland.
A previously unknown group calling itself People Power claimed it hurled a brick at the window of the Sandringham Rd building to protest against the Electoral Finance Act. A man on a scooter was seen at the scene.
Police say a neighbour was out on the street when a cat playfully attacked her. She screamed, frightening off the man on the scooter.
However, she was able to provide officers with a description of the man and his vehicle. They believe more damage could have been done to the property if the woman had not been there.
The government is not commenting on the incident.
TURKEYS ATTACKING COPS
OFFICER TAKES FLIGHT TO AVOID FOUL-MOOD FOWL
(AP)—Police officer John Sattelmair ran afoul of a fowl on a recent traffic stop. His colleagues have just barely stopped laughing long enough to be able to tell the story.
Sattelmair hasn’t said a peep. Following a Feb. 24 traffic stop, Sattelmair had just ticketed and bid the errant driver a good day when he turned to find his path blocked by an avian with an attitude—a righteously perturbed turkey.
Sattelmair at first had a staring match with the bird.
"Neither one was going to give ground," said Roy Police Lt. Ed Rhoades. What followed has found its way into police lore in the department’s newsletter.
"Then the turkey initiated a forward attack," the article said, pointing out that Sattelmair—all 6-foot-3, 260 pounds of him—retreated.
The officer kicked at the advancing bird, but worried that he was opening his defenses to the possibility of painful pecking wounds.
So he reverted to throwing snowballs as he backpedaled. Still, the bird advanced.
At one point, he thought the cavalry had arrived in the form of another officer. But that patrolman laughed himself useless.
Another car pulled up, but contained only a civilian who snapped a photograph and drove off.
Sattelmair eventually was cornered in the doorway of a nearby church and was forced to try to season the bird with pepper spray. The burning cayenne-pepper solvent, which will drop a brawling man in his tracks, didn’t faze the turkey.
In desperation, Sattelmair finally bolted past the bird, taking a few direct pecks as he sprinted for the safety of his patrol car.
His only injury was, as they say, to his pride.
Sattelmair was unavailable for comment. His co-workers say that his defense in the face of the razzing has been to embellish the turkey’s description.
It is now a 6-foot-2-inch tall, 200-pounder.
CAT BITES VOTING MACHINE
By Katharine Mieszkowski
Like many voters this Election Day, Michael Young, 43, doesn’t really trust electronic voting machines. In fact, the registered Independent in Allentown, Pa., reportedly feared that the Republicans are out to steal the election using electronic ballots. So, instead of voting, Young took out one touch-screen machine with a cat paperweight.
Around 12:30 p.m., Young went to his polling place at a local nursing home, checked in with poll workers and proceeded to pummel the screen of the machine with the paperweight, according to the Morning Call. “He smashed it with the cat’s ears,” said witness Jim Govostis. Young then hung his head, and waited for police to arrive to arrest him. He’ll be charged with felony criminal mischief and tampering with voting machines.
No votes were harmed in the incident; according to the county’s chief clerk all votes already registered on the machine were saved. The $5,000 machine didn’t fare as well; it will have to be replaced.